In Search of the Heart
by SunGoddess7
Summary: With Tobias dead, Rachel looses all sense of self and now must recover it
1. Devestation

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In Search of the Heart

It was impossible. I refused to believe it had happened, thought I had witnessed it with my own two eyes. The crumpled form of a red-tailed hawk lay in the gorilla's/Marco's arms. If I hadn't been in morph, I would have cried, but bears don't cry, and neither did Rachel, until now. I let out a strangled cry but it sounded more like a roar coming from a bear's mouth. 

A tiger ran up behind us. We gotta get out of here, now! Jake yelled at us in thought-speak. I stood still, staring at the limp hawk that was Tobias, the only person in the world who had the key to my heart. Ugh, poetry. The gorilla/Marco, reached out and put a large, frying pan-sized hand on my shaggy shoulder. Come on Rachel, we have to go. 

It was one of the few times when Marco had been slightly compassionate, but I cared little at that moment. Reluctantly and slowly I made my way back up the stairs, knocking Hork-Bajir out of my way as I went. We came out into the cool, crisp night air and ran into some nearby woods to demorph. 

As soon as I was me again, I lunged at Jake. Fists flying, I caught him the side of the head, the stomach and his arms. I bowled him over so I was on top of him, beating him while tears flew freely from my face. I don't know if it was from the shock of me beating up my cousin, or from the fact that Tobias was dead. I figured it was a mixture of both. Jake didn't put up with this for very long. He tried to hit me back, to make me get off of him, but I stayed there like a rock, beating him as much as I could. Suddenly, large black hands wrapped around my upper arms and lifted me like a rag doll. Marco had stopped in gorilla morph and picked me up. I was in the air, kicking and trying to punch with my hands. Marco held me there until Jake had gotten up. He wiped blood from his nose and then nodded to Marco. He set me down on the ground, but instantly I started for Jake again. Cassie quick jumped in and pushed me back. I lay on my butt, stunned. Cassie had never used brute force before. I shook my head and got up anyway. Now Cassie, and Marco were holding me back while I fought to kill my cousin. "You son of a bitch!" I screamed at him. "I hate you! I hate you!" 

Jake looked unfazed. I finally stopped fighting, my emotion rush making me exhausted. I crashed fell to the ground, spent. Tears slowly coursed down my cheeks into the dirt, making small spots of mud near my face. 'What's this? The great Xena, Warrior Princess, crying?' a nasty voice in my head said. I listened and instantly, I sat up, quickly wiping the wetness from my face. "Bastard." I said, still staring daggers at Jake. He licked his lips then came and knelt next to me. 

"Rachel, you have no idea how sorry I am. You think I don't care? He was one of my best friends, he was an Animorph. I know it's my fault, but you can't kill me. Then we'd be two men down. Get a grip, ok?" He had put as much emotion into his voice as possible, but I still felt like he was being cold. I glared at him, wishing looks really could kill, because of the way I was looking at him he would have died a long time ago. 

I got up and started to walk away. Cassie came after me and put a hand on my shoulder. I shoved it away and continued on. She stayed there, unmoving. No one came after me. 

I went home. Through the front door, up the stairs, it all seemed too normal. Too, too normal. Jordan sat at the kitchen table, doing homework I guess. I could feel her eyes following me up to my room. I didn't care that I was only wearing a leotard and some leggings and was covered in dirt. Didn't care that I was basically giving away our entire group. Who knows, maybe the Yeerks would get Jake and make him a drone just like his brother. Then he'd know the anguish I was feeling. I shook my head. No. I didn't wish that on anyone. 

I flopped onto my bed, feeling as if I'd been drained of all energy that had been given to me. 'It's all a dream. A horrible, sick, disgusting dream. The Ellimist is screwing with my mind again.' You'd think he'd have some kind of moral limits. Go Figure. A scratching noise came from my window. 'There, see? Tobias is alive, and he's scratching at my window.' I got up and ran to my window, only to find he wasn't there. It was my subconciesnesss playing tricks on me. I beat on the window, wishing the sound to be real, wishing that the hawk that was my boyfriend was actually there. How could I have let this happen?

I was deeply pissed off at the world. At Jake, for making us all go into that hell-hole; at Marco, because he didn't let me get the greatly deserved revenge; at Cassie for also holding me back; at Ax for not doing anything at all, but mostly at Tobias. He should have just let me handle it. I could have taken them, but no. He had to get all macho and do his thing. Now look where it got him. I got up and went to the window again. I opened it up, and stuck my head out. "WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?!! WHY??!!" I asked the night. No answer. The stars continued to wink down at me and the moon continued to shine down at me and smile. I turned around and slid down against the wall until I was sitting down, my head and back using the wall as a rest. And then it came. I think it was the first time I'd really cried in my whole life, apart from earlier. The came in waves, stopping for a while then coming again on much, much larger. 

Eventually, I fell asleep. I had the strangest dream. I was flying over a bare, desolate land. Dead tress and cracked earth covered the place, but I was flying on the back of a great bird. I looked behind me and the tail was red. I was flying on a red-tailed hawk. Suddenly, the bird turned its head around and looked at me, then simply disappeared. I hovered in the air for a while, then suddenly plummeted from the earth, and the ground kept getting father and farther away.......  
WHOMP! Something struck my head and made me bolt upright. I was panting when I looked up to see Sara standing over me, holding a very fluffed pillow. 

"What are you doing on the floor, Rachel?" she asked, the pillow in hand as if I didn't answer her she'd whomp me again. I rubbed my face. 

"I uh, was watching the sky and I guess I fell asleep."

Sara studied me for a moment, then shrugged. "Okay, whatever. Well, Cassie's here if you wanna talk to her."

Sara walked out and Cassie came in. I sighed and fell back onto the floor. 

"You can't ignore me forever. I am the best friend you know." she said, smiling the smallest of smiles. Her eyes and nose were red and her voice was slightly hoarse. I knew that she'd just been crying too.   
"I don't want to talk, okay?" I said, not meeting her gaze. 

"Yes you do. I can't let you wallow in self pity."

Argh! Why did everyone have to be so cruel?

"I'm not wallowing. I'm mourning." I replied shortly. Did these people have no feelings at all?

Cassie rolled her eyes. "If you were mourning, you wouldn't mind company."

"Fine. Care to join me?" I asked sarcasticly, guesturing to a piece of floor near me. 

She sat down, cross legged. "I know you're hurting. We all are." she said quietly.

I breathed heavily. "I never thought I'd say this, but I wish this stupid war was over."

"This is our first loss. I guess we'd just been too lucky all of the other times. We knew this day would come."

"But why did it have to be Tobias?"

Cassie shrugged. "Who knows? Lives are ruled by fate, and we can't control that."

"I never even got to say good-bye."

"None of us did."

"But I really needed too. Our, us, I mean.....we had just started to really you know, warm up to one another. Things were just starting to get serious."

"It's not your fault."

"Yes it is. I was the reason he came."

"He was trying to protect you."

"He was being too macho. He knew I could take them." Now I was just repeating my feelings.

"Rachel, he loved you. He wasn't being macho, he was protecting the girl that he loved."

She had cracked the flood gates. Tears welled in my eyes again, and I swallowed them back with difficulty. 

"Well, well he shouldn't have!" Oh yeah. Good comeback Rachel.

"Come here." Cassie opened her arms and hugged me. "Everything's going to be ok. We will get through this. It'll just take some time."

I nodded. If I had tried to speak at that moment, I would have cried, and I can't let anyone see me cry. I had seen myself, and it wasn't a pretty sight. 

Cassie got up. "We're meeting tonight at my barn. I think we're going to have a funeral or something. I don't know. Jake just said to meet at the barn tonight." 

Jake. God how I hated that name now. "Yeah ok. I'll try and be there." Maybe I could talk some of the foxes into mauling him. She nodded and then walked out. 

Solitude is a dangerous thing. It gives you time to think. I knew I was bringing this on myself, I was the one holing myself up. But I didn't care. Maybe Cassie was right. I _was_ wallowing in self-pity. 

"You know what the number one killer of teenage girls under 18 is? Self-pity." I quoted from a movie I had been forced to see with Sara and Jordan. 

I came out of my room twice that day. Once to use the bathroom, and the other to grab some food to keep in my room. Who cared if my mom found them. Not I. 

I tried reading, then tried surfing the net on the computer in my room, but nothing worked. I couldn't, I wouldn't focus. My mind kept drawing me back to the crumpled bird in Marco's arms. I banged my fist on the keyboard. Numbers and letters typed out in irregular patterns on the screen. 

Evening fell, and I decided to head towards the barn now. Maybe I was early, maybe I was late. She didn't specify an exact time, so it's not like it mattered. 

Turned out I was neither. Ax was there, but only because he lived in the woods and could get there the quickest. I caught myself searching the rafters like usual, looking for the fierce gaze of Tobias in his hawk form. I stopped, and hoped no one else had seen. Ax had. He blinked sympatheticlly with his stalk eyes, but said nothing. I was grateful for that. No need to embarass myself in front of the others. Cassie had been tending to some rabbits nearby, and now came over. Next came Jake, and then Marco. I tried not to look at Jake, even though I could feel him looking at me. Probably wondering if I was going to ruff him up again. 

He cleared his throat. "I asked for this meeting so we could talk some things out." His left eye was purple and swollen shut from where I had punched him the night before. "I bring this tragedy upon myself. I was the one that said we had to go in there. It was a stupid idea, and now I've killed one of our own." 

I tried not to nod. Instead, I watched some squirrels that resided in a cage next to me.

"Marco managed to bring Tobias up with him. Cassie?" He looked at her, and then she disappeared into the back, and then returned with a shoebox-sized crate. "I figured the least we could do was give him a proper burial."

Given any other circumstance, I would have thought this very, very dumb. A funeral for a bird. Give me a break. But this was this circumstance, and I thought it very noble and appropriate. Cassie walked out of the barn, the box in her hands. We filed out in a silent procession. 

I didn't know where we were going until we came to a familiar tree. It was Tobias' meadow, where he had lived. A hole had been dug in the ground near his tree and a small cross had been made out of twine and twigs to mark his grave. I choked on a thing of tears that was rising in my throat. 

Cassie placed the box into the hole, but didn't cover it yet. "I think we should say a prayer." Nods followed this suggestion. 

Cassie stood directly in front of the grave while the rest of us congregated around it. "Thank you," she said, "for giving us Tobias, even if it was for such a short while. He was kind, decent, loving and was one of the strongest believers in our cause. We shall forever fight for him." A couple 'amen's' issued around. Jake finally caught my eyes. He picked up a handful of dirt, walked over, and put it into my hand. I knew what he wanted me to do. I was the 'widow' here. I had to throw the first thing of dirt. I closed my eyes, fighting the tears and then slowly sprinkled the dirt onto the small, make-shift coffin. No one made a sound. 

Marco picked up a shovel that leaned against the tree, and then finnished the job. He pat the top of it down, then crossed himself. We kind of lingered there, staring at the mound of dirt that Tobias now lay under. Slowly people walked off until I was the last one there. I stood there, staring at the small cross. Knowing I was now alone, I let the tears fall. If someone were to see my cry, I would want it to be him. 


	2. 

The days melded together, making it impossible to distinguish one day from the next unless I got up and checked the calendar. School sucked, as usual, so it's not like there was much of a difference there, except the teachers seemed to drone on a little longer than usual. 

Another meeting was called the next Friday. Another funeral perhaps? Had Jake killed off yet another one of us? I showed up late, as the others had already started talking. 

"We have to get in there while there's an opening." Jake was saying. "I know we can do this one. It's an easy mission."

"What now? Planning yet another one of our deaths?" I asked sarcasticlly, but I could see that it hurt him anyway. I looked down. "Sorry."

"Since you just joined us, allow me to recap what we've been discussing." Jake said in a strained voice. "A shipment of Hork-Bajir just arrived at the pool and we think that we can get in. Visser Three will be gone and it won't be a usual feeding night. It's an easy mission, even you can admit that, Rach." He added. 

I stared at him. After the hell we had all just been through, he was already considering another mission? And with Hork-Bajir that might just have been infested adding to our problems? And Marco thought I was the insane one!

I shook my head. "No." I said simply. "No. Jake, your nuts. We just lost a good member because of almost an identical mission. You think I want to repeat the tragedy?"

Marco sighed. "Look, I thought we'd been through this already. We know that we lost Tobias, and that was bad. Real bad. But we have to move on. Other people will be suffering an even greater loss if we don't get down there. And besides, we want to go fry some slugs while we're at it." He added with a smirk. 

I continued to shake my head. "You don't get it, do you? I lost one of us, and it has been killing me inside. If we were to loose yet another one, I don't think I could take it."

"Jeez, Rachel. You're beginning to sound like Marco!" Cassie said, glancing cautiously at him.

"Yeah, like me! Hey, wait a minute....."

I rolled my eyes. Typical for him to turn this moment into a comedy routine. 

"I can't do it. No more killing, no more wars. I'm done with it, with the loss, the heartache." 

Now you're sounding like Cassie. Ax butted in. Are you trying to be anybody but yourself tonight? It wasn't a sarcastic question. 

I turned and glared at him. "I may have been insane before. I have built a reputation of being bloodthirsty and vicious and always ready to fight-"

"Well duh!" Marco interjected.

"But guess what? It didn't mean I doubted it. I only did it for you guys, for the team. But now I see that the team really doesn't care any more. 'He was only a bird, no use to us! Who cares if he's gone?' Well guess what? _I_ care!"

"Rachel, we do care!" Jake shouted. "How many times do I have to tell you this?! We can't let it eat at us, we have to keep fighting! Remember what we said last week? 'We will continue to fight in his memory' and that's what we're doing! But here you are, not being a team player at all. I don't know who you are anymore!" He threw up his hands in exasperation. 

I glared at every face, at the four faces where there should have been five. But no, it was four. I glared at the four faces, and then quietly and simply said "No." and walked out.

Of course I was Rachel! How dare they say anything different! Just because I'm not insane and totally full of myself anymore doesn't mean I'm not Rachel! If they wanted to go down there and let history repeat itself, fine. Be that way. But not me. I learn from mistakes, and I'm not about to let one that severe happen twice. 

I stamped home, wishing things could be better. It's too bad that the tables had turned and they were the crazy ones now. I stopped in the middle of the street. I didn't feel the anger coursing through me, the adrenaline. It was a feeling of.......empty. I hardly felt anything at all, like I was mush. This was a new experience entirely. I had never felt nothing. Emotions had always made me hot headed, and full of passion. But no, now I felt well, like mush. My blood didn't boil. My head felt pretty even. Jake was right. I wasn't Rachel. I had lost myself. 

~ ~ ~

They were going on the mission tonight. I knew it. They wanted to go and get themselves killed and that was final. I wasn't going to do anything about it. I was going to stay home, and be normal. Surf the net, watch MTV, eat pizza, whatever. But I couldn't do it. Thoughts of Cassie having her throat slit by a Hork-Bajir and of Marco being shoved into the Yeerk pool flooded my mind, making me flip off the cynical 'Daria' I was watching and sigh. They were my friends, that at least counted for something. I couldn't let them be killed. 

I pulled on my leotard and stretch pants, throwing some jeans and a shirt over it. I went to the garage, jumped on my bike, and headed for the Gap. It was only eight, so I still had another hour before the mall closed. I walked in and pretended to look at a few things. God were the fashions ugly this year. I shuddered at the thought of wearing some of the clothes, but grabbed a few anyway and headed for the third stall over. I turned a hook, and SHOOM! The floor dropped below me and I was zooming down a long, bubble-like tunnel that led to the hell-on-earth. Even before I entered the underground city, I could hear screaming so tortured it made me sprout goosebumps. I was spit out onto the stone ground, but quickly looked for a place to hide. There, behind those crates. 

I crawled behind them, shed the baggier clothing, and focused on my bad morph. I couldn't let them know I was here. I concentrated on the bat DNA that coursed in my veins, along with about twenty other animals. Slowly, I shrunk and my arms became like bubbling wax as they turned a dark gray and skin began to grow between my arms and my sides. Ears protruded from my head and my face became small and squinched. My legs dwindled in size until I was in danger of falling over, but then it stopped. It was done. I let out a quick chirp of echolocation to see where the heck everything was. I quick flew up onto the ceiling to join a group of fellow bats. I hung there, letting off chirps every few minutes to check out what was going on. 

A chirp told me that there was a disturbance. A very large thing was running around. I let off quicker and more rapid chirps. I knew now that it was a gorilla, none other than Marco, and joining him was Jake the Tiger, Cassie the Wolf and Ax as well, Ax. 

I stayed where I was, 'watching' them battle the evil Hork-Bajir and trying to free the good ones. I felt no emotion, or tried not to at least. 

Things weren't going so good. Marco was throwing many of the guard slice-and-dice machines around like pillows and Jake was getting many of the humans down with help from Cassie, but more just kept showing up. Suddenly, some smart person grabbed a dracon beam and started shooting it around. Beams of light showed up on the etch-a-sketch images I was getting back. A wolf cried out. Cassie had been singed. I mentally winced. 'No. I am not moving from this spot. This was their desicion and I'm not-

Twisted alien screams rang through the air. Many Hork-Bajir were being fired at, the noises being mixed with various animal noises. 'That's it. They need me.' I quick flew down to where my clothes rested behind the crates. I demorphed as quickly as I could, then after about a ten second cool down, focused on the big, shaggy, brown bear that was the secret to my success. I could feel the claws grow from my fingernails, the powerful fangs in my steadily growing jaw. I finally stood up, brown bear proud and tall. 'Time to kick some Yeerk ass' I thought and I slowly felt the adrenaline rush back into my veins. I let out a roar that made everything stop. I charged at the nearest group of the alien slime. They let out their high pitched screeches as I toppled them all to the ground, where Cassie and Jake clawed them to death. 

Rachel! I knew you'd come! Jake called out while worrying a Hork-Bajir's neck like a dog with a bone. 

I'm only doing this because you were doing so poorly. I replied while knocking my huge fist against a humans head. He dropped like a ton of bricks. Marco quick slipped to the back and ripped the door of the cage from it's hinges, letting the good Hork-Bajir free. The yelled in joy. 

Ok, we're done here! Let's haul! Cassie exclaimed.

Come on, Cassie. Say it, I know you can! Marco said.

Say what? She asked as we ran up the steps out of their.

Ass! Haul ass! We know you were going to say it. Just get it over with!

How you can think of something as trivial as saying a word is beyond me. Ax said, being the usual voice of reason. 

Suddenly, I felt part of them again. No longer the alien, the sappy sad girl but the real Rachel, strong willed and headed. 

We ran to the woods again, our usual hiding spot. We demorphed, but with no beatings this time. Bet Jake was grateful for that. 

Cassie ran over and hugged me. "I told you guys! She isn't totally me!"

"Yeah I guess your right. So that means I owe you ten bucks Jake." Marco said.

"Not funny." I replied.


	3. 

"Here I am again." I said to the mound of dirt and small cross before me. "You know why I'm here. Of course you do. You're one of the few people that knew me best."

The cold wind whipped through the tree, scattering the scarlet, gold, and pumpkin orange leaves all around. 

"In case you haven't figured it out, I'll tell you. I'm here because I love you, Tobias." I chuckled. "Ironic isn't it? I never said it while you were alive, but now here I am professing it to you in death. Now, even if you do hear me, it's not like you'll be able to do anything. You won't be able to say it back , or hold me, or-or even kiss me." A lump formed in my throat. Why was this so difficult. 

"But that's not the only reason I'm here. I'm here to say goodbye. I never got time to say it to you in private, or while I was in a right mind. You knew I hated goodbyes, but I love you so much that here I am, saying it to you. In the words of Romeo and Juliet,  'good night, good night, parting in such sweet sorrow. That I say good night till it be 'marrow'. Yes, I have been reading poetry. As much as I hate it, it helps ease the pain. Of loosing you, of going on missions and the fear of losing others."

I took a deep breath of the crisp autumn air. It slipped down my throat like liquid silver. 

"You and I, I mean, us, it kind of reminds me of Romeo and Juliet, only I can't be with you in death. I made a promise to you to stay alive, to keep fighting. I'm going to keep that promise, no doubt about it. I love you too much to not keep it." Without warning, the tears fell and made creeks over my face. "See? You're one of the only people I'll let see me cry. I won't even let my mom see my cry. And yes, you are a person, Tobias. Despite the feathery outside, you are a tender, loving person on the inside. Even thought I only get to see that for two hours at a time, it's still there. And I will treasure our short time together. The tight embrace, and those three times where we actually.....kissed." I sniffled, and wiped my face with my sleeve.

"So goodbye, Tobias. You know I'll never forget you, because I have to keep fighting. It hurts, but I have to. I love you, and good bye." I bent down and placed a very purple flower near the make-shift gravestone. Standing in silence, I stared at it, then slowly walked away.

As I had told Tobias, yes it would be hard. Yes, I would find times when I could not go on. But I will grow. I will go on. I have to keep fighting, to keep going on......for him. ~ ~ ~


End file.
